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I sincerely thought you were a person I would know for the rest of my life. I could have sworn on it. I did swear, actually. It was you that fell through on your promise, all of them. All I can say now is that I forgive you. I still get angry, I still laugh at some of our old jokes. I still listen to LOP4 when I'm driving home, and I still don't know all the words. I still miss feeling like a little kid. Losing you reminded me I am only getting older and I've spent so much of my life sad. I loved you so much it nearly killed me, so losing you left me with nothing else to love, so losing you helped me find love in the littlest of things, even the things I'd never noticed before. Because that's what you do when you want to die but you don't want to die you just want to be happy. Like the way Texas smells in the morning after it rains all night. Or the way the sky looks at 6PM from the balcony on an evening in August or the way my favorite plant, who actually just passed away, blooms in the morning and closes her petals when the moon comes out, I think that's really beautiful how life works. Or myself. And Losing you left me hollow. And I chose to fill myself with beautiful things this time. Because I realized I didn't want to die, I wanted real love. As time passed I decided to forgive you, even though you're the last person on Earth that deserves it. Losing you taught me more about myself and my life than anything else ever has, funny enough. It made me realize you were only in the way. You didn't love me at all, and you being there was blocking my heart and my vision of everything I still have to live for. Losing you taught me that love isn't a person. I've found it in all things, I try to at least. I tell myself if I can love a bad omen such as you to the extent that I did, then I can surely find love in literally anything else. It doesn't need to be a person, it doesn't need to be you. And with that in mind I woke up and I decided to forgive you. I often question if I know what love is at all, to have loved someone like you. I tell myself my heart is just so big that I can find love in anything, all things, even the worst things for me. And so I have been, but good things these days. And everyday it gets easier to cope with the notsogood days. and these day's my good days outweigh the bad ones. And in no way at all am I giving you any credit for my efforts in renewing my life. I'm just saying thank you for leaving, because had you not I wouldn't have discovered that love and suffering coincide on occasion, but in no way are they the same force. And I think that some's up our love pretty well. Or whatever you want to call whatever it is you put me through. And loving is not nearly as hard as you made it out to be, I was just loving the wrong things. So yes I forgive you, but these feelings live in my chest still. And I want to make room for more love, so I will sing it out of me until you aren't something I have to feel ever again. And then I will look back and thank you sincerely for killing the old me. I love the strong me a lot better now. She isn't picky she just knows what she wants and that's okay. I will never love anything else in this world the way that I loved you, and that truth brings me aching and both reassurance. I never want to be so in love that I would die for it. I don't want to die for love. I want to be so in love that it makes me want to live. I feel that at this point that is saying a lot more. I want to live again, and now that you're gone it's too easy to ask myself, had I ever even done so before?
(3AM cover. lyrics by Emo folk God Keaton Henson. Love that guy, always got me through hard times.)
- Genre
- Folk & Singer-Songwriter