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These are clips from conversations I recorded with Sunny Rae back in late '08 and early '09. I sincerely hope these clips may bring some much-needed peace to some of those who loved her so dearly and still grieve her loss.
Update 03-18-22:
I've finally forced myself through hours upon hours of recorded conversations with her, and I'm not even through it all yet. I wanted to do this last year for the 10-year commemoration, but here we are at the 11th. Despite having written more poetry for this woman than I've ever written for anyone, I still feel lacking in my linguistic capacity to describe the excruciating emotional torment that has been this process. Not to mention all the time spent avoiding this task because I knew how profoundly painful it would be. Pretty sure I wrote a post on Facebook saying essentially the same shit, but... many tears have been shed.
Regardless, I'm going to complete this; I owe it to her among so many other things. This is what I have so far. I'm going to push myself over the next few nights to go through all the rest, and hopefully find lots more to share publicly. I took great care with the editing of these, only sharing that which I felt is okay or appropriate to share, but we all have different perceptions of that. I imagine this will inevitably piss someone off, but I promise that is not at all my intention. Should go without saying, but anyway...
All I'm trying to do is share my experience of her to perhaps provide some comfort to those like me who still miss this phenomenal woman every day. I know how loved she was not only by me, but by countless others. It was some of the most arresting and overwhelming beauty I've ever felt, and likely will never feel again to such extents, especially not from all the way across the country. I'm just grateful beyond words that I felt it at all, especially in these times when it's so easy to grow numb, physically and emotionally.
In case anyone might be wondering why I recorded these conversations, well, I couldn't really take any home movies considering the majority of my interaction with her was on the phone while I was in college in FL, she obviously being in LA. Also, there were many times when I couldn't get in touch with her, and her voice being such a comfort to me in my darkest times, I decided to preserve it. She always knew I was doing it, except for once when I did it to make a surprise for her.
Anyway, I really hope whoever listens to these clips enjoys them as much as I do. Even though it's so painful, the sound of her laugh still makes my heart soar. I hope it does the same for you. I'll probably make another post on my socials about this when I release the rest, but keep an eye on this playlist just in case. Those algorithms screw us all.
Much love,
Paul (Xtian, Double-O, etc.)
Update 04-03-22:
I'm finally finished... Finally finished after 11 goddamn years. I don't need/care to repeat everything I said in the last update, but I will add that I don't feel particularly proud of myself for this. I'm happy if these clips provide some comfort to people who continue to miss her, but I just feel so blank right now. All the mistakes I made with her came crisply back into focus, and I fucking loathe myself for making them. I feel emptier, more alienated and more alone than I've felt in years, but this needed to get done.
One of the most prominent feelings that came out of this for me was that she was worth fighting for. She was worth all of what I endured then, and what I continue to endure today. There are so few people who've come through my life about whom I can honestly say that. She damn near drove me out of my mind, to a point where I was fearing a total loss of control, and she was still worth it.
That's all I have to say for now, I guess. I hope whoever listens enjoys the additional clips I'm adding after I finish typing this sentence...